The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's wives By Lola Shoneyin

I often feel embarrassed when I am asked if I have read "The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives". For some reason the opportunity to read this book has somehow eluded me, even after a failed attempt by my mum to get the book across to me, It landed in another person's hands and I never got it. Recently, I was asked again if I have read this book and I just made a mental note in my head to purchase it as soon as possible. I did!!

This novel is a thought provoking, funny yet tragic one. It contains vivid depiction of tragic events surrounding the characters in gory details. It also highlights injustice girls, women and men face in their every day lives in a society like Nigeria. I am glad that I got to read this novel now because I believe I have evolved to a stage where I can understand clearly the subtle message the writer was trying to pass across. The novel is centred on polygamy.

Lola Shoneyin writes this book with confidence which makes it really engaging and hard to put down. She combines beautifully irony, humour, sensitivity, empathy and karma in her description of the circumstances these characters find themselves in.

Narration in this novel moves from a third person's narrative to a first person and sometimes second person. Some of these narration goes back to the character's past and also present. In my opinion, the narration enables readers to have an insight into the characters, the concealed societal issues of gender inequalities and the complicated daily living arrangement in polygamous homes.
The main characters included Baba Segi, Iya Segi, Iya Tope, Iya Femi and Bolanle - the fourth wife.

These wives except Iya Segi and Iya Tope - 1st and 2nd wives got married to Baba Segi as a way out and all of them felt they were not deserving of marrying a rich and largely ignorant man, hence they did all they could to remain married to him which made them all have a common secret, well except Bolanle.

Baba Segi prioritised his children above his wives and his quest for more children after having seven was what unravelled the secrets his wives had.
The first three wives had a common secret that was common knowledge to three of them and not once did they blurt it out to anyone outside the three of them despite few verbal altercations. Their reluctance to be friendly to the fourth wife because of her 'graduate' status and thereby possibly sharing that common secret with her was probably their undoing.

Baba Segi is described as an uneducated hardworking, relatively successful, ignorant, misogynist and polygamous man who vomits and poops in his pants when he gets upsets. His wives except Bolanle are equally uneducated, ignorant and conniving. For the provision of a home and financial support, his wives, pamper cook, clean for him and massage his ego.

Bolanle (A university graduate) the central character of this book gets married to Baba Segi against her mother's wish and beneath her mother's expectations.
When Bolanle was introduced into the household, as predicted she was not welcomed and to worsen the situation, she didn't get pregnant despite all the 'pounding' she received from Baba Segi. It was funny reading the dialogues she was having with herself as regards the plans she had for everyone in the household. Unfortunately that plan fell flat on arrival!!

The wives especially Iya Segi and Iya Femi did all they could to make Bolanle's stay in their home unbearable, from accusing her of Juju, to banning her friends from coming to visit her, to not allowing Baba Segi to get her an arm chair. That was a priviledge reserved for women with children, they told Baba Segi but due to Bolanle's secret and firm resolve, she didn't bulge, she stayed put in the house.

Her inability to get pregnant upsets Baba Segi, what upsets him more is her snobbish attitude towards alternative medicine and prophets. Her presence in his home has already created tension and unease amongst his wives. He could not place his hand on the cause of unease and tension, after all he shared his time with them equally and based on his myopic thoughts, he thinks if she gets pregnant, there will be less tension.  He finally takes her to the hospital based on the advise he received from his friend 'Teacher', this visit to the hospital reveals all the layers of secrets in his household.

It was heart warming to read that there was no judgement from the health officials when Bolanle revealed her secret and even though Baba Segi had his normal stomach problem after he heard it, not once during the course of reading this book did he reveal it to anyone.

There were a few questions that comes to mind while reading this novel, foremost of them is why will a beautiful university graduate choose to get married to an uneducated and ignorant man who already has a house full of children and wives and who's sense of hygiene is questionable?

Why did the wives feel intimidated by Bolanle's presence in their home?

What was the secret all the wives had?

All these questions and many more that comes to mind were answered in this novel.

I was pleasantly surprised at the tail end of the novel with Baba Segi's edifying response to Akin - his eldest son's statement to him "My father, I want to be a man about this but I fear I am not"

and his response - "Akin, you are more than a man for it is only a true man who acknowledges weakness. Your sister will watch over you from the next world. Know this and let it strengthen you" 

Another pleasantly surprising moment for me was when Bolanle advised Segi when she was out hanging out with her crush and his friends "A real woman must always do the things she wants to do, and in her own time too. You must never allow yourself to be rushed into doing things you're not ready for"

I was slightly disappointed that the wives did not apologise to Bolanle for what they did to her.
It was hard not to feel sorry for Baba Segi as he was also a victim of a patriarchal society alongside his wives and children.

This novel was predictable at the beginning but it took quite a few unexpected twists and turns.
The end was superb and exhilarating. I was superbly pleased for Bolanle , the lessons she learnt and her resolve to be better.

This novel is a feminist delight, a must read for everyone.

NAKED: A JOURNEY TO SELF BY ESE ARK.- REVIEW

                           

Naked chronicles the author's life experiences from childhood through womanhood then motherhood. It is truly a journey to self where she went through pain, forgiveness and healing to be free from the shackles of shame and guilt.

She also shared what these experiences meant to her and the teachings she got from them. You are bound to resonate with this book with one or more of the experiences shared.

She starts the book with her birth story based on what she heard from her parents. She proceeds to the next chapter to talk about Family and starts the chapter with this "One of my favourite scientists said that if we trace the lineage of every person alive today we will find that we are all related. We'd find that our ancestors are the same. My question then became what's with the division along lines of race, class, blood and water?" That question was addressed in the book. Also she posted a question worth pondering on "Is blood thicker than water"? It was addressed in this chapter too and what I got from it is that we as human beings are more alike than we are different in spite of all the factors that divides us.

Ese wrote about School - the beginning of group-think and I think a lot of people will connect to it. The chapter explored our ability to conform so easily that we as humans find it hard to evolve from that stage to the next - breakaway stage. Where we end up creating our paths on our own.

"School should be a place where a person learns 'how' to think, not 'what' to think. School should encourage individuality over group thinking".

She also wrote about people pleasing and how like many young women she wanted to be on everyone's good side, how she thought she was inferior to boys and how she often had to package herself in a way that appeals to boys/men. I found this chapter, Chapter 6 really insightful as it explores the different ways boys and girls were brought up and this in turn has created a not so level playing field when they grow to become men and women respectively. At the end of this chapter, a couple of poignant questions were raised and they are worth pondering on.

A chapter each was dedicated to the author's experiences with money, sex and lies. She also wrote about how she sought people's validation in real life and via social media. The act of seeking for validation according to the author was an exhausting process and had to take it off when she had enough. She shared her experience with a therapist and how she became aware of different personality disorders.

"Seeking validation from others is like something hanging around your neck. It weighs you down and stops you from moving as quickly as you would like. What you don't realise is that you can take it off when you realise you don't need it. I took it off when I got tired enough"

Ese also shared her experiences with religion, her questions and factors that turned her to Christianity. There were no details as to how the affair between Ese and the pastor started, but she shared all that she had to go through, how she overcame depression, guilt and shame after the scandal. Some women shared with her stories of  their affairs with their pastors and this one was heart breaking for me

One of them was a teenager who said her mother took all her children to be deflowered by their pastor. She said she knew something was wrong with that experience but she had never been able to share her story because she was afraid and confused.

I found the chapters dedicated to her relationship with her mother titled Pain- The Mother Wound, Marriage and Childbirth really powerful. The flip flop of emotions she had to contend with in her marriage, during child birth and  afterwards were so surreal and these are chapters most women will connect with. She admitted to almost failing in all of these and her ability to admit this is admirable. She was not afraid to share her vulnerabilities and fear during this journey to herself.

I particularly found this excerpt exhilarating

Healing the mother wound was not just helpful to my relationship with my mum and family, it was particularly important for my romantic relationship and how I show up in my world. I haven't gotten it all completely sorted out yet, but I am no longer afraid to live and I will not make myself small on account of any relationships. I have permission to live my best life. That permission comes from being born and it doesn't need any outside approval or validation.
I am enough

Contrary to popular expectations, this book is not a scandalous tell-all book where the writer comes off as a victim - NO!! She fully acknowledged all the paths she had to go through on this journey and it is commendable that she holds no grudge against all the people she encountered. She is shame and guilt free.

It is a well written and honest book penning her experiences and thoughts on factors she encountered on her journey to self . She also shared how she intends to help boys/men, girls/ women on their self discovery journey through her platforms, MTGT and Femina Speaks respectively. While reading this book, I could not help but think it reiterates a statement she made on her very popular blog  post "I AM A WOMAN, I BEND, I DON'T BREAK". These experiences have bent her into the strong and conscious woman she is now.

It will also help you if you are on the journey to self or are about to embark on that journey.

Naked: A Journey to Self is available on Amazon and Okadabooks

BORN A CRIME BY TREVOR NOAH - REVIEW

If you have been bypassing this book in the bookshops because you think it's one of those shallow, lack of depth books most times written by a celebrity, you are in for a shocker - a positive one. Just do yourself a favour and moonwalk back to that aisle and pick up this book, It is worth it.
                          
Trevor Noah is not only a brilliant and witty comedian, he is also a brilliant writer.  He has a way of drawing you into his world and making you yearn for more of his stories as he serves the pre-ambles as a bait. In the first chapter of the Book - Run. He shared a scary story about how his mum threw him out of a moving car in a successful attempt to save his life. Before he got to the story, he shared some preambles and I like to think of them as baits. These preambles helped readers understand the background behind the story. I almost heard myself screaming in my head arrrrrrrggghhh!!!, get to the part already! and he did. At the end of the chapter I was in awe and admiration of the beautiful friendship and genuine love between  mother and son.
A woman he describes as his first fan. This book is an awesome tribute to the phenomenal woman that gave birth to him.
"For my mother. My first fan. Thank you for making me a man".

Trevor Noah was born in apartheid South Africa and because his dad is a white and his mum black, based on the laws of the land, he was "Born a Crime"

He went through phases where he had to be hidden at home and most times his mum would dress up as a maid to be able to go out with him.

"I didn't have any friends. I didn't know any kids besides my cousins. I wasn't a lonely kid - I was good at being alone. I'd read books, play with the toy that I had, make up imaginary worlds. I lived inside my head. To this day you can leave me alone for hours and I'm perfectly happy entertaining myself. I have to remember to be with people".

He experienced the privilege of being a white man in a black community as he was mostly given preferential treatment. His grandmother found it difficult to beat him as she would his cousins and this was largely due to the colour of his skin.

"A black child, I understand. A black child, you hit them and they stay black. Trevor, when you hit him he turns blue and green and yellow and red. I've never seen those colour before. I'm scared I'm going to break him. I don't want to kill a white person. I'm so afraid. I'm not going to touch him". And she never did"

Trevor Noah is well qualified to talk about racism both from a privilege and oppressed point of view as he has experienced both during the apartheid years of South Africa.

Every Truth of his shared in this book is laced with humour and we get to marvel at not only how brilliant Trevor is as a comedian but also as a writer.

Trevor Noah's life is an apt description of a person who rose from the very bottom of the ladder to the very top. He rose from being a South African township boy to the anchor of one of the biggest shows in the world. As a black South African the odds of being successful was against him. The difference between him and other black kids he grew up with, is his mother. He described her as being rebellious, I think she is a great non-conformist.

"My mom raised me as if there were no limitation on where I could go or what I could do. When I look back I realize she raised me like a white kid - not white culturally, but in the sense of believing that the world was my oyster, that I should speak up for myself, that my ideas and thoughts mattered"

She taught him to be open minded and to question authority. Of course she was not always thrilled when he questioned her authority but unlike most moms she answered his questions to a large extent and sometimes she just says the word Sun'qhela, and that signifies the end of their argument or discussion.
They even devised a means of communication, that allowed both of them opportunity to argue their sides without interruptions. This was especially advantageous for Trevor's Mum as Trevor was quick on his feet with counter arguments. They wrote letters to one another while living in the same house......
Her rebellious nature enabled her and Trevor to thrive in the hostile community they lived in.

He learnt from a very young age that language had a way of connecting people to one another.

"I soon learned that the quickest way to bridge the race gap was through language. Soweto was a melting pot: families from different cultural groups, and thus different homelands. Most kids in township spoke only their home language, but I learned several languages because I grew up in a house where there was no option but to learn them."

Born a Crime is collection of beautifully written stories and a great page-turner. I also think that everyone will one way or the other find a connection with some or just one of the stories.

Who chooses to go to jail instead of facing his mum?
Who goes to a Jewish school to perform and ends his performance with asking the audience to give it up for Hitler?
Who unwillingly goes to church every Sunday morning and does not get home till late at night?
Who takes a whole year to plan for a prom and a date and both end in disaster?
Who was up to mischief and joined other people in looking for the culprit?

Typically, I find it difficult reading books on domestic violence and racism and I must say Born a Crime falls right into that category. On this occasion though, it was not difficult for me to read at all and this is no small measure due to the brilliance of Trevor Noah's writing skill.

Who writes about shit and makes it sound like you are listening to Oprah on one of her super soul sunday session?
Who writes about racism and apartheid in an intriguing yet funny way?
Who writes about his experience in a South African jail in such witty and funny way?

He wrote about his early childhood years, his troubled years in high school- he was unable to fit in with the white kids or mixed race kids like himself, he found solace with other black kids. He wrote about his brief time in jail and his years as a hustler selling pirated CDs and Djing at parties.

He also wrote about his mum's marriage to his step dad and the abuse they both had to endure in the hands of his step dad. The last chapter of the book shed more light on this and I must say that was the part that almost moved me to tears. His mum was failed by the Police and Society. She had to do what was right for herself and children and it almost cost her life.
For the first time while reading the book I sensed Trevor's fear at the thought of losing his mum but mercy said NO!
He was unable to wrap his head around why his mum didn't die. His mum believed God saved her. The doctors said it was a miracle. Even on her hospital bed, they were still able to laugh and bond like the team that they had always been.

This is a compelling book that takes you through the life and experiences of a black person during the apartheid years and mostly after. It can be described as funny, tragic and at the same time have you screaming "Oh dear!! What the hell have you done"?
Every story shared by Trevor in this book, no matter how funny and they aren't all, reiterate the fact that race is a determining factor on all issues in South Africa.
This book is for you, if you are interested in Race, Domestic Violence and the before and After years of Apartheid.

God is not to be blamed.

Late last year, a church building in Akwa Ibom's state capital - Uyo collapsed. It was a sad day for Nigeria as people lost their lives in this unfortunate tragedy.
The response on Nigeria Social media was a little bit surprising. Atheists and non-religious people had a field day saying "the Nigerian god does not care about Nigerians","if God was really omnipotent, why didn't he save the people from dying or even stop the building from collapsing?"

These and many more were questions posed on the weekend of this event. Some of these questions, were borne out of grief and despair of course and some were just in attempt to mock religious people and their god.
There were few calls to the government to set up an inquiry panel to investigate the incident and subsequently prosecute perpetrators.

On the 15th of April 2013, two homemade bombs detonated 12 seconds apart near the finish line of the annual Boston Marathon. Boston is home to some of the best hospitals in the world and medical personnel, alongside bystanders responded swiftly to save lives. FBI and other security personnel went into action as quickly as they could, to arrest the perpetrators of the attack. Any clues the security operatives found that could help in getting these perpetrators arrested was shared with the general public so they could assist in the search for the criminals. Eventually one of the bombers died while trying to escape,the other one was arrested and was subsequently prosecuted.

The number of lives lost was recorded, people who sustained life changing injuries were recorded, people who survived were also recorded. No details were hidden, no speculation of numbers of people that were affected. Accurate numbers were given.

In Nigeria on the other hand, no information on accurate numbers of lives lost, injured and survived. It's all speculation. A pastor of the said church, who was supposed to be ordained as Bishop, supposedly knew that the building was not in good condition. It was alleged that he ignored "a stop work order" by the Uyo Capital City Development Authority (UCCDA) when the building was still in foundation stage of its construction. He ignored another one in 2014 and  subsequently the building collapsed in 2016. What was done to him? Nothing!!  No news of his arrest or prosecution till date.
He instead implored people to pray and blamed the devil for the unfortunate incident.

I remembered Fela Durotoye's Facebook post on the night of the Boston Bombing, he commended the medical personnel and people who swiftly responded to the incident, and added this

"Fact is - Evil people carry out bad things all over the world. But the culture of excellence, preparation, readiness, training, equipment, co-ordination and team work can save so many innocent lives when bad things happen.
So..........We may not be able to prevent the next tragic act of evil......but we can invest more in training and equipping our emergency response teams of the police, firefighters, medical response."

And I will just add that in the Western world, they tend to investigate the cause of man-made and natural incidents and find means to prevent it from reoccurring or work towards reducing the negative impact it will have on people as opposed to praying, blaming the devil and swerving responsibilities.

My husband told me about a documentary he watched weeks ago about the 1985 Bradford city stadium fire - I cannot bring myself to watch that documentary because of all the horrid details he shared with me. It was a scary and tragic incident. It started from a small fire and because of the wooden stands at the stadium at that time and some rubbish underneath some of the stadium's stands, it erupted into a huge one. This fire according to reports lasted just four minutes but the devastation caused was immense. Lives were lost, injured and there were survivors, all recorded accurately. Medical, security personnel and bystanders responded swiftly to the incident.

One of the survivors was Mathew Wildman, he suffered from rheumatoid arthritis and that meant he needed crutches to walk and was helped out of the stadium by a fellow fan - David Hustler. He said "I have never known anything like it, either before, or since. Everybody in the city was devastated, but there was an amazing number of volunteers. I still have terrible memories of the day, but it is the humanity of those that helped us that I reflect on"

They didn't just mourn after this incident or bury their heads in the sand. There was no party for survivors, just urgent medical care. An inquiry was set up and this led to the introduction of new legislation to improve safety at all football stadiums in the UK. Wooden stands and smoking was banned in all sports ground in the UK. The Bradford city club was found to be partially responsible for this incident as they had received letters before the fire incidence highlighting the need for improvement of the stands in the event of a fire outbreak. They had to pay compensation to the families of those who lost their lives or were injured. Till date, there are calls for a new inquiry into the fire incident citing reasons as times have changed and fire investigation techniques have advanced compared to the 80's, another reason was that the inquiry lasted just two weeks and was considered too fast.
Something my husband said that caught my attention and made me ponder about for a bit was the fact that at the end of the documentary, names of people who died was displayed on the screen. I had to conclude that and I say this with all humility and respect to those who lost their lives - the death of every one of them was not in vain.

Every rainy season, residents of a particular area in Lagos state, Nigeria complain about flood issues. Works are sometimes carried out in the summer in preparation for the rainy season but they are mostly substandard. And these badly constructed roads are a recipe for disaster. If something horrible happens, I do not think it is God's fault as some will like to allude to. It is the people's fault who decided to cut corners and do substandard work.

Thinking back to the weekend of the Uyo incident, I could not help but think why people could not see that God was not the problem here but the people. We all serve the same God, after all the Western world introduced God to us and he gave us wisdom to be able to discern right from wrong and freewill to do as we deemed fit.
God gave us and people in the Western world free will to do as we please, as it is with happenings in life, some people use their free will for good and some use it for evil.

I watched a video of Trevor Noah's book review that took place in London last year, and he read a part of his book and I could not help but ponder about it for a while.

"My grandmother always told me that she loved my prayers. She believed my prayers were more powerful, because I prayed in English. Everyone knows that Jesus, who's white, speaks English. The Bible is in English. Yes, the Bible was not written in English but came to South Africa in English so to us, it's English. Which made my prayers the best prayers because English prayers get answered first.
How do we know this? Look at white people. Clearly they're getting through to the right person".
Add to that Matthew 19 vs 14. "Suffer little children to come unto me, Jesus said "For theirs is the kingdom of heaven". "So if a child is praying in English? To White Jesus? That's a powerful combination right there".

It is funny but sad, because this right here is still our present reality.
We all serve the same God, whose only begotten son is Jesus just  like the Westerners. The only difference between us and them is that while we pray our problems away- which is foolish by the way, they tackle their problems head on. They strive for excellence and comfort and are willing to go the extra mile to achieve that.
We are blessed in Nigeria with the three types of resources: Human, natural and Capital. If only those at the helm of affairs could utilise these resources for the good of their citizens, Nigeria too will be able to stand almost as tall as other Western countries. It sickens me when we receive foreign aid because I believe we do not need it.

We must demand accountability, transparency, justice from our leaders, have high and realistic expectations from them. Do our part by being law abiding citizens.

I will end this post with a statement by Fela Durotoye -
Let us all commit to a lifestyle of excellence in all we do as we deliver the future. As we have seen excellence saves lives.