Now that you are ready to get married

We are guilty of focusing more on the wedding day which is a day's event than the period leading up to the marriage and the marriage itself which is supposed to be a lifetime commitment.
We are also guilty of thinking marriage is a magic wand, and it has the power to change our spouses.


I saw this quote credited to Albert Einstein and it just summarises my thoughts profoundly.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein

Going into marriage with this mind set is wrong as marriage tends to reveal a person's true character. Pretending to be what you are not is wrong as well, because it is impossible to keep up with pretence for a long time.


Marry your kind - This school of thought cannot be emphasized enough. Marry someone who shares most of your ideologies, school of thoughts, beliefs and social interests. Having so much alike will make you and your spouse each other's best friend.


In preparation for marriage, it is important to Know and Love yourself, Know your spouse.
To know your spouse, it is important to ask questions and be opened to discussion from your spouse.
I remember when I was getting married, my husband did the asking and I can't help but cringe when I remember my answers to some of his questions. He asked how many kids do we intend to have? and I said four. He was of the view that four kids might be a handful, I said No!!!- I am sure I  quoted a bible verse to back up my response, I was so insistent on it and it was not up for discussion.



Another question he asked and whenever I remember my response, I cringe at my naivety. The question was - what other means of having children are we opened to if natural method of conception does not work? I said God forbid!!! I am fruitful, I will be blessed with 3 boys and a girl. I felt so strongly about that question that I didn't entertain it again. I marvel at my response and not in a good way.
Examples of discussions to have -
Financing for the wedding and afterwards
Household chores
Children
Child care
House to live in - To rent or buy
Careers.
All these are important discussions to have before getting married and decisions made must be mutually agreed.



Another advise I share based on my experience is do not take on board all the advice you get from friends and relatives just take the ones that will be beneficial to you.
Over the years, after attending countless bridal showers, I can say people give advise based on their own experience.
They project their realities on you. The best way to discard those realities that are not yours but been projected on you is to know yourself well enough to do a back to sender clap.....


A personal example - a relative once said to me - It is better to give birth to a male child as first born so that your feet will be firmly rooted in your husband's house. Firmly rooted???
What does that even mean? She continued by saying, until she gave birth to a male child, there was no peace in her home. Her husband and his family made life hell for her, she told me about two or three of her friends who had the same problem.

See? How she tried to turn her reality to mine?  Here I was, few weeks pregnant, not sure of the baby's sex and this lady was making me feel insecure about my marriage. On a good day, I would have just smiled and told her thank you and walked away, but for some reasons, my hormones got the best of me.
I told my husband about the discussion and he had a very good time laughing. He said Firmly rooted?? Is our house now a farmland?
He used that opportunity to bring up the discussion about number of children to have. After our discussion, we both agreed that irrespective of the sex of our children, we wanted two children.


This brings me to my next point -Communication.
That is the universal rule to the success of any relationship. The role communication plays in a relationship cannot be emphasised enough. communicate with your future spouse instead of assuming. We are all different, our realities are different as well. No one can know that without asking and answering questions. No one can know that without being open to discussions.

Some myths like ''All men cheat'' ''Men are babies" "Men are polygamous in nature" are all lies and you do not have to base your relationships on them. Communication erases such myths, doubt, assumptions, insecurity and paranoia.




I sincerely believe that Marriage is a commitment between two friends to uphold the tenets of friendship, some of which are Love, Loyalty, Compromise, Honesty and Communication.


Be involved with someone willing to uphold these tenets and enjoy a blissful married life


Best Wishes
Bola Awe

SURRENDER AND PERSEVERE

Just going through my drafts on the blog and I saw this post. Don't know why I didn't publish it early on in the year. I hope this resonates with who ever needs it.


Read and Be Inspired!!


On the morning of 28th of August 2016, my youngest son walked into the living room where I sat, he wanted me to turn on the TV, which I did. He fiddled with the channels and somehow got to the YouTube channel. As an Oprah fan, some of Oprah's videos were amongst the suggested ones to watch. He clicked on 'Oprah's Upliftment Speech at the Essence Award'. As he did that, he gave me the remote control and sat down with me to watch it - Now the reason I am sharing this part is because at that time I had started to and still do attach meanings to everything happening in my life. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason and it is also an opportunity for me to learn. My son can barely sit still for 10 minutes but he did for close to 30 minutes. That has got to mean something, I remembered saying to myself.



The story Oprah shared about herself on this occasion was one I had heard her share a few times.


A little background - She read a book titled 'The colour purple'. She became so obsessed with the thought of acting in the movie no matter how little her role was going to be. She always prayed about it and made enquiries about acting auditions. She was invited to an audition for a movie and on getting there, she asked for the title of the movie and she was told with a different title. She said, she said to the casting director "But I prayed for colour purple, not this one". I think he didn't understand what she meant by that and handed her the script anyway. She recognised the names of one of the characters in the book The colour purple and she knew instantly that the original title of the movie she was auditioning for was The colour purple. After the audition, the casting agent said he will contact her when he has news for her about the audition. After waiting for months without a call from the agent, she decided to call him and he told her in clear terms that he will contact her if he has news for her. He added that she is not even an actress and other actresses who stood a better chance at getting the role aren't disturbing him as much as Oprah was.



This saddened Oprah and she went to the fat farm (A place people go to lose weight back in the day) thinking her weight stood in the way of her getting a role in the movie. She prayed and cried to get a role in this movie but she could not stop thinking about what the agent said "She was not a real actress".
She changed her prayer to be that she will be able to bless the actress that got her part in the movie and be able to go watch it. She sang this song after her prayer - I surrender all.


According to her she felt a shift and felt relieved, almost immediately a woman ran out to meet her on the track where she was and told her someone was on the phone for her. To her greatest surprise, it was the movie director who told her to come see him in his office the next day and that she got a part in the movie - The colour purple.



Like I said before, I had heard that story shared several times, but on this day 28th of August, it meant something to me, it struck a chord in my heart. You see, I was obsessed about a getting a particular job in my organisation, I attended an interview just few days before watching that video and I got a call back that I didn't get the job. It was devastating for me considering that it was my 6th interview.

I work in a big organisation and this role I was obsessed with is required in all the departments across the organisation, so vacancies pop up very often. My obsession with it started in October 2015 when I saw a vacancy for the role and I just knew it was something I could do.

I attended my first interview, I felt I gave it my all but didn't get the job. In December 2015, I attended 3 interviews and was unsuccessful. The excuse they all gave me was that I didn't have enough experience. I was devastated of course but I persevered. I had two invitations for interviews  in January 2016 and I was still unsuccessful. I just said to myself, that I was done applying for these roles.

A statement that was consistent in the feedbacks I got was that I didn't have enough experience. I cancelled the two invitation to interviews I had slated in February. Decided to focus on my present job, gain more experience, be the best that I can be in that role and maybe later on, I'd give applying for new jobs a go.

In June, a similar role came up and I applied, got invited for an interview but didn't get the job, I was not really heart broken this time around partly because it was not my dream Job. I just shrugged and kept checking the website for vacancies.


Three vacancies came up in the month of July and I applied for them all. I was invited for interviews. Two were slated for different days in August and the third one was in September.

I was so optimistic about the first one and I thought I did great. I smiled, looked and talked confidently - so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call that I didn't get the job, reason was that I was not very knowledgeable about the role and department.
To say I was heart broken is sugar coating my state of mind at that time. Time and research went into preparing for this interview and this is the feedback I get? So many thoughts came to mind at that time, could it be that I was just being delusional about thinking I was capable of doing this job? Maybe I am not as good as I think I am? So many questions came to mind but I knew in my heart that I was good and qualified enough for this Job, I just have to be consistent and persevere.




The next interview was a week later and I was resolved not to let the feedback I received from previous interview deter me from doing excellently well. Got a phone call the next day that I didn't get the job but my interviewer added something to the feedback that put my mind at ease. She said I did great at the interview, it's just that they had someone in place and they felt that person was best suited for the role. I did not feel as devastated as I did before but I was this close to cancelling the offer for interview for the last one. I was just tired and emotionally drained, my husband convinced me to just go for it. I had nothing to lose after all. I grudgingly agreed.

After watching Oprah's video, the next day I called the HR department to confirm that I will be attending the interview.
I went fully prepared, the interview went great and I was told by the panel that I will be contacted the next day to let me know if I got the job or not.
I noticed that I was not obsessing about this particular interview like I used to. The next day, I barely thought about it, I said to myself - whatever will be will be. At exactly 2pm I got a call that I.......wait for it - that I got the job!!! I was surprised and the lady who called even said to me, "I am surprised you sound surprised that you got the job. You did excellently well at the interview".



The reason I sounded surprised was because I had gone for quite a number of interviews in the past and I always thought I did well, but I still didn't get them so I thought I was going to get the same feedback I always got.

Looking back now I am glad I persevered and surrendered to God. I did on the 28th of August 2016, I told God that I surrender all to him and I believe he will do me good.



I am glad I didn't give up, I am glad that even though I was eager to leave my former job role, I gave it my all. My dedication to it was still top notch. Most of all I am glad I persevered, learnt from mistakes I made during past interviews and believed that my dream to actually get this job role will come to pass.


If there is anything you are believing God for - I hope you do not give up. Pray, Persevere and Surrender - everything is going to be just fine.



Best Wishes
Bola Awe

Son of My Parents by Tosin Olukuade.

Son of My Parents is a sequel to the author's previous book Son of My Father, click Here for my review.
I looked forward to reading this book as the first book was in honour of Tosin's father, I was eager to read about his parents and maybe get more insights into their marriage and parenting style and I must say I was not disappointed.
This book Son of My Parents was in honour of the author's parents 50th wedding anniversary. Using his parent's experience in marriage, Tosin shared the factors that enabled a lovely and lasting marital relationship between them.
In the first chapter of this book, we are introduced to Tosin's parents and he shed more light on the definition of a parent, and the factors that makes one an exceptional parent, which according to the author, his parents fit that description perfectly

Parenthood, as simply defined, is the state of being a parent and meeting the responsibilities involved.

The author also shed light on the difference between being a parent by the virtue of giving birth to a child and actually being responsible for the child's wellbeing.

The next chapter titled Before the beginning - The Bolekaja ride - is my number one favourite, It gives the readers an insight into the relationship between Tosin's parents before they got married and their friendship with another couple, who later became Tosin's parents Best man and woman at their wedding. It is worthy to note that the friendship that started on the Bolekaja ride is still in existence to date. A chapter was dedicated to the author's parents wedding ceremony with pictures.

Chapter 4, another favourite chapter of mine is titled "HE IS THE HEAD". It is somewhat controversial but worth reading. The author made a remarkable effort in enlightening readers as to who is the head of a Christian home and how the acceptance of that headship can be the bedrock to a successful marital relationship. The author also wrote about the partnership, mutual respect and friendship that existed in his parents marriage based on the acceptance of Christ as the head of their home. He expatiated on that point with this statement.

To buttress this, let's go back to the beginning when God instituted the first marriage between Adam and Eve, He was the head of that marriage, not Adam. Adam and Eve were united as one who were in submission to the will of their Father who was the head of their home. As long as that , God's arrangement for them subsisted, everything was in perfect condition as the creator ordained it to be. They received instruction from their Father and everything was perfect.

He went on to add

Not until that arrangement was scuttled by them yielding a usurper cut off their connection to God the Father and his original plan did the father introduce their new mode of operation as a consequence of their action and not as a matter of his original intention
Therefore he said to the woman, "your desire shall be to your husband and he shall rule over you". This narrative erroneously is what men have practised for donkey years without realising that it's the narrative of the consequence of the fall, not the narrative originally intended by God.
Hence the patriarchal narrative has held sway for a long time and women have continually been at the receiving end of it and that in many cases has been very unpleasant.

This chapter largely emphasised on the oneness and equality of both man and woman in the institution called marriage and how the unity between couple can also be a contributing factor into the success of the union. The author posed a question at the end which is worth pondering on.

Subsequent chapters were interviews conducted by the author with his parents as the interviewee and their Best man and woman at their wedding. It is amazing that they are still friends till date and worthy of celebration is that they are all alive and well.

His parents talked about how they met and how they overcame every challenge that came their way during the course of their 50 years of marriage especially when his dad was diagnosed with glaucoma. As expected it was a trying period for the couple but due to their resolve for a successful marriage, they communicated to one another the best way they knew how and worked their way through it. They also discussed their parenting style in raising blessed and successful children.

I love this advice given by Tosin's mum And to intending couples, more than anything, your values must align before you even mouth the idea of marriage. If your values are not compatible and you decide to go ahead, it would only be a matter of time before that marriage would snap

Their friends also gave an insight to the mutual love and respect that existed between the author's parents during their years of courtship and even when they got married.

Chapter seven Titled For Better, For Worse - A myth or truth? In this chapter, the author's summation in this chapter lends credence to the part that Marriage is for better, for worse. He backed this with verses from the Bible. 
And God the creator of heaven and earth had this to say "I create light and darkness" Definitely, there is a purpose for light and there is a purpose for darkness. So also, I believe there is a place for better for worse.
The author tried in this chapter to make readers understand that no journey in life is devoid of challenges, most especially in marriage and I agree with him. He advocated for unity between couples to overcome all the challenges life throws. 
There were beautiful pictures of the family and a special request by the author's father that was granted, and it was such a sweet and respectful request.

The final chapter was dedicated to the author's experience of his parents. He paid homage to his exceptional parents and wrote about the love and support they gave him over the years. He also wrote about how his take on marriage and how he knows his marriage too will be as successful as his parents and I say a loud AMEN to that.

This book is overall a good read and has insightful advice for new and intending couples.

The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's wives By Lola Shoneyin

I often feel embarrassed when I am asked if I have read "The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives". For some reason the opportunity to read this book has somehow eluded me, even after a failed attempt by my mum to get the book across to me, It landed in another person's hands and I never got it. Recently, I was asked again if I have read this book and I just made a mental note in my head to purchase it as soon as possible. I did!!

This novel is a thought provoking, funny yet tragic one. It contains vivid depiction of tragic events surrounding the characters in gory details. It also highlights injustice girls, women and men face in their every day lives in a society like Nigeria. I am glad that I got to read this novel now because I believe I have evolved to a stage where I can understand clearly the subtle message the writer was trying to pass across. The novel is centred on polygamy.

Lola Shoneyin writes this book with confidence which makes it really engaging and hard to put down. She combines beautifully irony, humour, sensitivity, empathy and karma in her description of the circumstances these characters find themselves in.

Narration in this novel moves from a third person's narrative to a first person and sometimes second person. Some of these narration goes back to the character's past and also present. In my opinion, the narration enables readers to have an insight into the characters, the concealed societal issues of gender inequalities and the complicated daily living arrangement in polygamous homes.
The main characters included Baba Segi, Iya Segi, Iya Tope, Iya Femi and Bolanle - the fourth wife.

These wives except Iya Segi and Iya Tope - 1st and 2nd wives got married to Baba Segi as a way out and all of them felt they were not deserving of marrying a rich and largely ignorant man, hence they did all they could to remain married to him which made them all have a common secret, well except Bolanle.

Baba Segi prioritised his children above his wives and his quest for more children after having seven was what unravelled the secrets his wives had.
The first three wives had a common secret that was common knowledge to three of them and not once did they blurt it out to anyone outside the three of them despite few verbal altercations. Their reluctance to be friendly to the fourth wife because of her 'graduate' status and thereby possibly sharing that common secret with her was probably their undoing.

Baba Segi is described as an uneducated hardworking, relatively successful, ignorant, misogynist and polygamous man who vomits and poops in his pants when he gets upsets. His wives except Bolanle are equally uneducated, ignorant and conniving. For the provision of a home and financial support, his wives, pamper cook, clean for him and massage his ego.

Bolanle (A university graduate) the central character of this book gets married to Baba Segi against her mother's wish and beneath her mother's expectations.
When Bolanle was introduced into the household, as predicted she was not welcomed and to worsen the situation, she didn't get pregnant despite all the 'pounding' she received from Baba Segi. It was funny reading the dialogues she was having with herself as regards the plans she had for everyone in the household. Unfortunately that plan fell flat on arrival!!

The wives especially Iya Segi and Iya Femi did all they could to make Bolanle's stay in their home unbearable, from accusing her of Juju, to banning her friends from coming to visit her, to not allowing Baba Segi to get her an arm chair. That was a priviledge reserved for women with children, they told Baba Segi but due to Bolanle's secret and firm resolve, she didn't bulge, she stayed put in the house.

Her inability to get pregnant upsets Baba Segi, what upsets him more is her snobbish attitude towards alternative medicine and prophets. Her presence in his home has already created tension and unease amongst his wives. He could not place his hand on the cause of unease and tension, after all he shared his time with them equally and based on his myopic thoughts, he thinks if she gets pregnant, there will be less tension.  He finally takes her to the hospital based on the advise he received from his friend 'Teacher', this visit to the hospital reveals all the layers of secrets in his household.

It was heart warming to read that there was no judgement from the health officials when Bolanle revealed her secret and even though Baba Segi had his normal stomach problem after he heard it, not once during the course of reading this book did he reveal it to anyone.

There were a few questions that comes to mind while reading this novel, foremost of them is why will a beautiful university graduate choose to get married to an uneducated and ignorant man who already has a house full of children and wives and who's sense of hygiene is questionable?

Why did the wives feel intimidated by Bolanle's presence in their home?

What was the secret all the wives had?

All these questions and many more that comes to mind were answered in this novel.

I was pleasantly surprised at the tail end of the novel with Baba Segi's edifying response to Akin - his eldest son's statement to him "My father, I want to be a man about this but I fear I am not"

and his response - "Akin, you are more than a man for it is only a true man who acknowledges weakness. Your sister will watch over you from the next world. Know this and let it strengthen you" 

Another pleasantly surprising moment for me was when Bolanle advised Segi when she was out hanging out with her crush and his friends "A real woman must always do the things she wants to do, and in her own time too. You must never allow yourself to be rushed into doing things you're not ready for"

I was slightly disappointed that the wives did not apologise to Bolanle for what they did to her.
It was hard not to feel sorry for Baba Segi as he was also a victim of a patriarchal society alongside his wives and children.

This novel was predictable at the beginning but it took quite a few unexpected twists and turns.
The end was superb and exhilarating. I was superbly pleased for Bolanle , the lessons she learnt and her resolve to be better.

This novel is a feminist delight, a must read for everyone.