Such unnecessary pressure leads to desperation and the troubling hunt for The one, the one that completes me. I have always being sceptical about the one. It seems so unrealistic. There are over 7 billion people in the world, so the thought that just one person is meant for me seems like a myth of some sort. I never believed in it. The thought that a partner completes us is also a myth. Hollywood and Nollywood sure did a number on us by producing films that depicts the myth. If only they are aware of how that myth messed us up. No one completes us, we were already created complete. A partner does not complete us. There are sisters who do not want to get married, do we say those sisters are not complete? I don't think so.
Leaving everything on hold while waiting in anticipation for The one can be so emotionally draining, frustrating and distracting. Instead of doing that, why don't you just live in the present and enjoy your life.
Embrace your status. Do not let anyone's thoughts and expectations of you pull you down into a pit of depression.
Do not seek validation from anyone, because get this - once you start seeking validation from people, it never ends and you will end up an unhappy person. Do not be a people pleaser.
Society, religion and cultural expectations of women never ends, it is a continuing process and whatever you do, you will be damned anyway.
So block your ears from the naysayers, it can be difficult but please do and always remember this powerful quote
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt
You alone have the power to make people treat you badly, do not give anyone that power.
Here are suggestions of what to do In the meantime, before you meet the man of your dreams and get married -
Move outta your parents home - Living on your own increases your ability to be all round independent. If you cannot afford it, then do not move out, but try to start being independent especially financially. If you are comfortable in your parents home and they are not always up in your business, this advise isn't for you. If your parents are always up in your business, restrict your movement, please move out and start living on your own.
Get to know yourself and Love yourself
Do not compromise on the qualities you expect from a man. Now when I say qualities, I do not necessarily mean physical, but if that is your thing then by all means roll with it. I mean behavioural qualities. I would not be involved with a man who is uncouth, cheats, disrespects me, my family and friends, constantly takes our private fights to the public and blames everyone but himself for mistakes, claims to know about everything but truly knows nothing .....I hope you get my drift? These are important behavioural standards that I would not compromise on.
Caroline Myss, an author sheds more light on Compromise
Do not compromise to the extent where you are put in a position of betraying yourself. Every choice is either going to enhance or drain your spirit. so if you have been compromised to the point where you feel drained or depleted, then you have betrayed yourself.
Do not attempt to change anybody to what you expect from them. It is not only wrong, it is impossible. The only person you have absolute right and power to change is yourself. So it's either you are willing to accept the person's flaw or just walk away. Like Iyanla Vanzant said - Love does not fix or change, when you get into a relationship with somebody and you have to start fixing or changing them, know that you are in lust
If you believe in God, get to know him on your own. Do not let any Man or Woman of God manipulate you with their understanding of the Bible. Study it and lean on your own understanding. Develop a one on one relationship with God, he is accessible to us all.
Start a gratitude journal - That way you are able to appreciate the little things you take for granted. Be grateful for each day and every experience because they are all paths leading you to the right direction. Being grateful and having an open mind is good for the soul and makes you develop a great relationship with God.
Travel alone - Except it is work related, travelling on your own might be difficult to accomplish once you get married and have children.
Develop the habit of reading and be informed about things going on around you. Reading has a way of making you open minded and knowledgeable. Ignorance isn't bliss
Make a list of things you would like to do - It might be learning how to dance, skydiving, learning how to ride a bike, drive a car. I met a single lady recently and she told me she made a list of things she wanted to do to celebrate her single life in October 2015. She had just clocked 30 then. I was amazed at the list, It was so cool and fun filled. Travelling was one of them and she has visited 3 countries since then, she plans to travel to Singapore to celebrate her 31st birthday alone. I was wowed. You can also make a great list and add whatever you want on it, progress in career, acquiring more professional qualifications, starting a business, the list is endless.
Attend a week long or weekend event about something you are passionate about and enjoy it. It could be a book or food fair.
Develop your relationship with friends and family. Offer assistance when you can, Be there for them. Get involved in your church or community activities with the aim of helping people. Give people your time.
Do something new regularly.
Don't miss out on the beautiful opportunities around you. Celebrate every moment of your life and do not think for a second that because you choose to celebrate and embrace your singleness you will remain single for forever, NO!!
If it is your desire to get married, don't sweat it, don't scheme or engage in manipulative tactics. You will find someone or vice versa.
If it is your desire not to get married, Nne your desire is legit and valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Live and enjoy your life to the fullest.
Always remember You are enough and complete.
Best Wishes
Bola Awe
We are so hung up on the things we need to do @25, things we need to do @30... societal expectations that sometimes we forget to be ourselves and just live in the moment.
ReplyDeleteLovely post. Thanks for this.
You are wellcome Toyosi and thanks for the comment. We are blessed to be alive and we ought to make the best of it.
DeleteXx
I am so loving this right now.like you read my thought, dont understand why being single is a crime manybecome deperate that they are ready who marry whoever just to gain the title 'mrs'.there is alot more to life than marriage, we loose site of who we are when we are in a haste to please the world. Well written Bola,keep them coming.
ReplyDeleteThank you Juliana. We lose who we are while pleasing the world. So sad.
DeleteThanks for your comment
You are wellcome Toyosi and thanks for the comment. We are blessed to be alive and we ought to make the best of it.
ReplyDeleteXx
I spoke to a young girl who was just 23 and done with NYSC. I asked her what next? Like what is your next plan? Her answer was " na to marry now". I asked her if she has found the one and she said No. Apparently she is just going to sit doing nothing while waiting for the one. Who did this to us?
ReplyDeleteIf only we know the person, she we will go and beg the person. So sad. I find it heart breaking when ladies put everything on hold in hopes of landing a man to get married to and not even taking that time to know themselves and start working towards a fulfilling career or business. That is prolly one of the reasons they begin to ask 'What do I do'? Questions on issues that common sense woulda prevail. Oh well!!!
DeleteI did try to talk her into doing something for herself but I doubt if she listened to me. I would usually try to encourage her more but I am careful these days because I did it before and from experience I know its best not to force them. It is best when it comes from their mind to do it or they will abandon whatever they are doing.
DeleteI once persistently encouraged a girl to learn a skill or go for masters instead of sitting at home waiting for a husband since no job was forthcoming. She reluctantly started her masters after she told me she did not want to learn a skill. She abandoned not long after she started.