We are guilty of focusing more on the wedding day which is a day's event than the period leading up to the marriage and the marriage itself which is supposed to be a lifetime commitment.
We are also guilty of thinking marriage is a magic wand, and it has the power to change our spouses.
I saw this quote credited to Albert Einstein and it just summarises my thoughts profoundly.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein
Going into marriage with this mind set is wrong as marriage tends to reveal a person's true character. Pretending to be what you are not is wrong as well, because it is impossible to keep up with pretence for a long time.
Marry your kind - This school of thought cannot be emphasized enough. Marry someone who shares most of your ideologies, school of thoughts, beliefs and social interests. Having so much alike will make you and your spouse each other's best friend.
In preparation for marriage, it is important to Know and Love yourself, Know your spouse.
To know your spouse, it is important to ask questions and be opened to discussion from your spouse.
I remember when I was getting married, my husband did the asking and I can't help but cringe when I remember my answers to some of his questions. He asked how many kids do we intend to have? and I said four. He was of the view that four kids might be a handful, I said No!!!- I am sure I quoted a bible verse to back up my response, I was so insistent on it and it was not up for discussion.
Another question he asked and whenever I remember my response, I cringe at my naivety. The question was - what other means of having children are we opened to if natural method of conception does not work? I said God forbid!!! I am fruitful, I will be blessed with 3 boys and a girl. I felt so strongly about that question that I didn't entertain it again. I marvel at my response and not in a good way.
Examples of discussions to have -
Financing for the wedding and afterwards
Household chores
Children
Child care
House to live in - To rent or buy
Careers.
All these are important discussions to have before getting married and decisions made must be mutually agreed.
Another advise I share based on my experience is do not take on board all the advice you get from friends and relatives just take the ones that will be beneficial to you.
Over the years, after attending countless bridal showers, I can say people give advise based on their own experience.
They project their realities on you. The best way to discard those realities that are not yours but been projected on you is to know yourself well enough to do a back to sender clap.....
A personal example - a relative once said to me - It is better to give birth to a male child as first born so that your feet will be firmly rooted in your husband's house. Firmly rooted???
What does that even mean? She continued by saying, until she gave birth to a male child, there was no peace in her home. Her husband and his family made life hell for her, she told me about two or three of her friends who had the same problem.
See? How she tried to turn her reality to mine? Here I was, few weeks pregnant, not sure of the baby's sex and this lady was making me feel insecure about my marriage. On a good day, I would have just smiled and told her thank you and walked away, but for some reasons, my hormones got the best of me.
I told my husband about the discussion and he had a very good time laughing. He said Firmly rooted?? Is our house now a farmland?
He used that opportunity to bring up the discussion about number of children to have. After our discussion, we both agreed that irrespective of the sex of our children, we wanted two children.
This brings me to my next point -Communication.
That is the universal rule to the success of any relationship. The role communication plays in a relationship cannot be emphasised enough. communicate with your future spouse instead of assuming. We are all different, our realities are different as well. No one can know that without asking and answering questions. No one can know that without being open to discussions.
Some myths like ''All men cheat'' ''Men are babies" "Men are polygamous in nature" are all lies and you do not have to base your relationships on them. Communication erases such myths, doubt, assumptions, insecurity and paranoia.
I sincerely believe that Marriage is a commitment between two friends to uphold the tenets of friendship, some of which are Love, Loyalty, Compromise, Honesty and Communication.
Be involved with someone willing to uphold these tenets and enjoy a blissful married life
Best Wishes
Bola Awe
