PAY ATTENTION TO LIFE'S LESSONS and LEARN.

So I recently watched Kemi Adetiba's King Woman series again and I found them really resonating. One of the reasons I fell in love with this series was, apart from the fact that I love listening to stories of successful women, Kemi was able bring out the best in them. They were vunerable and very candid while sharing their stories. Their stories had depth. On the whole, the series was a brilliant one.

As it is with people's life experiences, you should take the parts that resonates with you and keep it moving. The interview that stood out for me was the one with Ayodeji Megbope. It was the most powerful interview in that series and a perfect example of the sayings that "Never allow your past to dictate your future" "Never give up" "Believe in yourself"

Another one that resonated with me was the one with Remi Fagbohun and that is the crux of this blog post.

First of all, a little background on Remi Fagbohun. She was born in the US with her sister. Life then as described by her was very lovely. Her mum was a trained dietician and her dad was a student. They moved back to Nigeria in 1984 to set up a family business which  according to Remi was a unique business idea that was bound to do well, they had all the logistics in place to start off their business but her dad was swayed by friends and family to join politics and he abandoned  the business  idea. Her dad was appointed as a commissioner in ondo state, he moved to Akure for his work, her mum stayed back in Lagos to start up the business but it was difficult for her to make headway as her husband that was supposed to be a partner in the business has gone off in pursuit of his own career.

After her dad joined politics, he got involved with women and this affected his marriage. Her mum on the other hand did all she could to fight for her marriage. Put aside her business and moved to Akure, fighting for her marriage took a toll on her and she became cranky with her kids.

According  to Remi, the vibe she got from her mum was that her mum didn't like her. The situation got so bad that her mum was disrespected not only by her dad but by his family.  This didn't deter her mum from continously seeking validation from her in-laws and they never gave it to her. Her mum gave birth to more children in a desperate attempt to gain her dad's attention all to no avail. She then sought after a herbalist who gave her a love portion to add to her husband's  meal. On the verge of adding it to her husband's  meal, Remi walked in on her and she told her dad and his family that her mum wanted to kill him. A meeting was called with all the other family members present and her mum was sent out of the house. After that, she was finally able to see her dad for who he was, he was rarely at home and was always cranky as well and didn't give herself and her siblings as much attention as she expected. You can watch the rest of the interview Here
She explained in detail her relationship with her mum after that episode, and life afterwards.

What I want to point out is how she resolved that she will never put herself in a position or situation where she will seek validation from anyone like her mum did. Upon self reflection she was able to realise that her mum's crankiness was due to the circumstances surrounding her marriage. And this lesson she was able to take from her parents marriage played a pivotal role in choosing her spouse and it also  shaped her into being the success that she is today and I think that's amazing. She also added that another lesson she got from her upbringing was to try as much as possible to shield her child from any personal troubles she is going through and to only share with her child if he/she is older.

She got that lesson by paying attention , observing and reflecting and these are what we ought to do in life. Pay attention to every experience around you because that is one of the ways we can resolve to be and do better.
I paid attention to my parents marriage, to my past relationships, I observed and practiced self reflection and I resolved that when the time comes for me to get married it has to be with someone who believes in equality in marriage, someone who sees life almost as how I see and one who is willing to evolve.
Oprah said something I found so profound in one of her Lifeclasses -


"Listening  to your  life as it whispers to you first so it does not have to knock you upside the head with a brick or come crashing down on you as a brick wall is one of the greatest principle of life" She continues

"There are many things that happen in life that are beyond our control: natural disasters, death, unexplained events, But there are also many, many, many things in life which we can control and become out of control because you’re just not paying attention. You are sleepwalking through your life.”

She further explained that "Life whispers to you all the time, Your life is speaking to you all around, from the time you wake up in the morning, in every single experience that's coming into your personal  space into your physical space all of those experiences are speaking  to you they are telling you something about your life and about your  circumstances. It whispers and if you don't  get the whispers, the whispers gets louder, if you don't get the whisper when it gets louder, I call it like a little pebble --a little thump- upside  the head. The pebble or the thump upside the head usually means  it's gone into a problem"

She went on to say if the problem is not paid attention to, the pebble turns into a brick and the brick upside the head is a crisis, if the crisis is not paid attention to the crisis turns into a disaster and the whole house comes tumbling down.

To avoid getting hit upside the head with a brick, it is important to pay attention to life's experiences, learn from them all and aim to be better,d o better to avoid tumbling down of the house. 

As you resolve to pay attention to life's experiences and lessons. I wish success in all your endeavours .

Best Wishes 
Bola Awe

Now that you are ready to get married

We are guilty of focusing more on the wedding day which is a day's event than the period leading up to the marriage and the marriage itself which is supposed to be a lifetime commitment.
We are also guilty of thinking marriage is a magic wand, and it has the power to change our spouses.


I saw this quote credited to Albert Einstein and it just summarises my thoughts profoundly.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein

Going into marriage with this mind set is wrong as marriage tends to reveal a person's true character. Pretending to be what you are not is wrong as well, because it is impossible to keep up with pretence for a long time.


Marry your kind - This school of thought cannot be emphasized enough. Marry someone who shares most of your ideologies, school of thoughts, beliefs and social interests. Having so much alike will make you and your spouse each other's best friend.


In preparation for marriage, it is important to Know and Love yourself, Know your spouse.
To know your spouse, it is important to ask questions and be opened to discussion from your spouse.
I remember when I was getting married, my husband did the asking and I can't help but cringe when I remember my answers to some of his questions. He asked how many kids do we intend to have? and I said four. He was of the view that four kids might be a handful, I said No!!!- I am sure I  quoted a bible verse to back up my response, I was so insistent on it and it was not up for discussion.



Another question he asked and whenever I remember my response, I cringe at my naivety. The question was - what other means of having children are we opened to if natural method of conception does not work? I said God forbid!!! I am fruitful, I will be blessed with 3 boys and a girl. I felt so strongly about that question that I didn't entertain it again. I marvel at my response and not in a good way.
Examples of discussions to have -
Financing for the wedding and afterwards
Household chores
Children
Child care
House to live in - To rent or buy
Careers.
All these are important discussions to have before getting married and decisions made must be mutually agreed.



Another advise I share based on my experience is do not take on board all the advice you get from friends and relatives just take the ones that will be beneficial to you.
Over the years, after attending countless bridal showers, I can say people give advise based on their own experience.
They project their realities on you. The best way to discard those realities that are not yours but been projected on you is to know yourself well enough to do a back to sender clap.....


A personal example - a relative once said to me - It is better to give birth to a male child as first born so that your feet will be firmly rooted in your husband's house. Firmly rooted???
What does that even mean? She continued by saying, until she gave birth to a male child, there was no peace in her home. Her husband and his family made life hell for her, she told me about two or three of her friends who had the same problem.

See? How she tried to turn her reality to mine?  Here I was, few weeks pregnant, not sure of the baby's sex and this lady was making me feel insecure about my marriage. On a good day, I would have just smiled and told her thank you and walked away, but for some reasons, my hormones got the best of me.
I told my husband about the discussion and he had a very good time laughing. He said Firmly rooted?? Is our house now a farmland?
He used that opportunity to bring up the discussion about number of children to have. After our discussion, we both agreed that irrespective of the sex of our children, we wanted two children.


This brings me to my next point -Communication.
That is the universal rule to the success of any relationship. The role communication plays in a relationship cannot be emphasised enough. communicate with your future spouse instead of assuming. We are all different, our realities are different as well. No one can know that without asking and answering questions. No one can know that without being open to discussions.

Some myths like ''All men cheat'' ''Men are babies" "Men are polygamous in nature" are all lies and you do not have to base your relationships on them. Communication erases such myths, doubt, assumptions, insecurity and paranoia.




I sincerely believe that Marriage is a commitment between two friends to uphold the tenets of friendship, some of which are Love, Loyalty, Compromise, Honesty and Communication.


Be involved with someone willing to uphold these tenets and enjoy a blissful married life


Best Wishes
Bola Awe